


The Other Side

by soulofme



Series: Youth [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, M/M, POV First Person, Suicide, Teenagers, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 06:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7966840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulofme/pseuds/soulofme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He grabbed the fence with his other hand and pulled himself up. Every day, he climbed a little higher. He told me that he would get to the other side one day, but I never really believed him. </p><p>I didn’t want to believe him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Other Side

He stood at the base of the fence and craned his head back so he could look up at the sky. I watched him, my hands shoved into my pockets, and waited for him to make a move. He gripped the fence with one hand, his fingers fitting into the empty spaces like they belonged there.

"I'm gonna climb it," he said. He always said that.

"No you're not," I replied. I always said that too.

He grabbed the fence with his other hand and pulled himself up. Every day, he climbed a little higher. He told me that he would get to the other side one day, but I never really believed him. I didn’t _want_ to believe him. I wanted to think we would stay on this side of this fence, just like everyone else before us had. I was afraid to see what was on the other side.

His fingers were all wrapped up, patches of red dotting the dirty gauze, and I watched as he reached up higher. He was almost to the top, now, and I found my breath catching in my throat.

“Wait,” I started, but my voice was weak and soft. He didn’t hear me. “Hey, wait a-”

His hand slipped and I watched as he fell back. He just laid there for a while until I stepped forward, dead leaves crunching beneath my feet.

“I almost made it,” he said. I didn’t reply.

I held my hand out to him. He grabbed it and pulled himself up off the ground, dusting dirt off his jeans. He wiggled his fingers experimentally and I patted my pockets for my wallet.

“C’mon.”

He didn’t protest when I grabbed his wrist so he’d start walking. I let go of him once I was sure he was following me and thumbed through the bills in my hand. I handed him a ten and slid the rest back into my wallet.

“What’s this?”

“You gotta change your gauze,” I said.

He hummed and pocketed the money. I stared up at the sky. It was streaked with lines of purple and orange and pink, but I couldn’t really appreciate it. Things like that weren’t beautiful. Not anymore, at least.

We walked to the store. I waited outside while he went in to get a bottle of peroxide and a roll of gauze. He came out after a few minutes and sat next to me on the curb. I watched him slide the gauze off. He flexed his fingers a few times and I stared at the little nicks across the back of his hand. His knuckles were red and the tips of his fingers were bloodied from grabbing onto the top of the fence.

“’S okay,” he told me. “It doesn’t hurt.”

I looked away from him. He hissed quietly when the peroxide hit his skin, but then relaxed once he got used to the sting of it. He wrapped his hand back up and grabbed up the dirty gauze. We stood up and started walking again.

“I’m gonna get to the other side,” he told me, right as we were going our separate ways, and I found myself stopping in my tracks. “I’m gonna get over that fence and I’m gonna be looking at you from the other side.”

“Okay,” I said simply, because I was too tired to argue with him.

He nodded resolutely and began to walk away from me. I watched him until he became nothing more than a speck in the distance.

* * *

We didn’t go to the fence the next day. It was raining and it would be too wet to try anything. We stayed inside instead and watched the two kids across the street splash in puddles.

“You think they know?” he asked.

“Know about what?” I asked.

He crossed his arms over the windowsill and rested his chin on them.

“You think they know about the fence?” he asked.

I leaned forward, close enough to the window that my breath fogged up the glass, and watched them. They were laughing. They were laughing and splashing each other. They looked like they were having a good time.

I shrugged and moved away from the window.

“I don’t think so,” I said. They were too happy. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see them anymore.

“We should tell them,” he said, drumming his fingers against the windowsill. “I think they deserve to know.”

“No one ever told us,” I muttered, my eyes still closed. “Why should we tell them?”

“Maybe things could be different for them,” he said, and he sounded a little sad.

“Things like that don’t ever change,” I said, and when I opened my eyes again the kids were gone.

* * *

Everyone else went home after school, but we played soccer behind the old elementary school. It was abandoned because there had been a newer, bigger one built a little ways down the street, but people still used the playground.

He kicked the ball away from me and sent it sailing into our makeshift trash can goal. I hunched over, out of breath, and watched as he jogged over to get it. He dribbled it down to me and rested his foot on it. I shook my head and he kicked it away from him.

We sat on the swings and shared a bottle of water. It burned my throat for some reason. He drank more of it than I did. He tossed the bottle down when it was empty and began to lightly rock himself. The swing creaked loudly with his weight.

“It’s getting warm out,” he said, and tilted his head back so he could catch the last of sun’s rays on his face. “You think we’re gonna have a hot summer?”

“We always do,” I said. He shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess so,” he replied.

We walked over to the fence after that. The grass was waist-high, and I watched him run his fingers across the top of it. He came to a stop in front of the fence, but he didn’t say anything. He just stood there, staring at it, and I felt my eyebrows furrowing.

“Aren’t you gonna climb it?” I asked.

“Aren’t _you_?”

“No,” I said, quickly, and he turned to look back at me.

“Why not?”

I thought about my answer this time. He stared at me expectantly and I found myself swallowing thickly. He tilted his head to the side slightly and raised an eyebrow.

“Well?”

“We’re not supposed to get to the other side,” I said. “So why even try?”

“You’re wrong,” he said, but he didn’t try to climb the fence.

* * *

The end of the school year came quickly. We celebrated by drinking water by the fence. It was the kind of water that burned my throat again. I didn’t like it much. But he liked it a lot. I drank it because he did.

We finished the bottle again. This time I drank more than he did. The water left a bitter taste on the back of my tongue. I think that was what got me. The aftertaste was always the worst.

I shoved the empty bottle into my bag and laid back, staring up at the sky. It was muggy out today and we were in shorts and tee shirts. My entire body felt hot, though. It was too hot.

“I’m on pills again,” he said. I looked at him.

“The good kind?”

“The good kind,” he said, nodding slowly.

“So you’re sleeping again?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Mostly.”

“Okay,” I said, and lay back down. He lay down next to me, and we were both looking at the sky then.

The clouds were dark in the distance, but the ones right above us were white. I knew it would rain later, but I didn’t really want it to. It had been raining a lot lately. I was kind of sick of it.

The sky was orange today. I liked it better that way. I never really liked it when it was pink or purple. He liked it when the sky was blue. We could never agree on which one looked better.

“Hey,” he said.

“What?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I forgot.”

I rolled my eyes and drummed my fingers against my stomach.

“Are you scared?”

“Nah.”

“Then say it.”

He pursed his lips and stayed quiet for a while. I thought he didn’t hear me until I heard him shifting to lie on his side. I looked at him.

“Well?”

“I’m scared.”

“Thought you said you weren't?" I asked. He didn't answer. "Well? What are you scared of?"

“Getting to the other side of the fence,” he said. He swallowed thickly and looked down at the ground. He gripped a handful of grass and yanked it up. I watched him let the pieces fall through his fingers. “I’m scared to see what’s over there.”

“I thought you wanted to go.”

“I thought I did too,” he said.

We turned over onto our stomachs so we were facing the fence. The other side didn’t look much different than the side we were on. But we had never _been_ on that side. Our feet had never touched the ground over there. Our hands had never touched the grass over there. We never looked at the sky or breathed the air over there.

It was new, and foreign, and _terrifying_.

“It’s okay,” I said.

“Is it?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said, because I didn’t know what else to say. “That’s okay. It’s all okay.”

“Okay,” he said, quietly, and I rolled onto my back so I wouldn’t have to see the fence anymore.

* * *

We sat on his roof because we didn’t feel like going to the fence. I leaned back on my hands and he sucked on a lollipop. Sometimes he’d exhale and his breath would be all grey and smell weird. I couldn’t describe the scent. It was thick and strong, and it lingered on our clothes. He burned the end of the lollipop a lot. He said it made it taste better. I never wanted to try.

“I’m tired,” he said. I looked over at him. “I’m always tired.”

“Is it the pills?” I asked.

“No,” he said. He pursed his lips. “I’m always careful. I don’t ever take too much.”

“Okay.”

He went silent. I pulled out a can of soda. It was the orange one, the one that tasted too sweet, but he liked it. It was his favorite.

His eyes got big and he grabbed the can from me. He instantly started drinking it. I watched him until I got bored and my eyes started wandering.

There was a couple walking together below us. They were smiling and holding each other’s hands. I couldn’t hear the sounds of him sipping on the soda so I knew he was watching them with me. The couple paused and pressed their lips together for a few seconds. Then they laughed and continued walking.

“They look happy,” he said. I shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess.”

He hummed thoughtfully.

“How come we don’t do that?” he asked, sounding genuinely curious. I shrugged again.

“’Cause we’re not like that,” I said.

“Like what?” he asked, but I didn’t answer him.

He frowned and went back to drinking his soda. I continued to pretend I didn’t hear him. He finished the soda and tossed it away from himself. It got caught on the shingles of the roof, and I stretched my leg out to kick it down.

* * *

He had more cuts on his hand the next time I saw him. I didn’t ask him where he got them. I didn’t really care. We went by the fence because he said we had to. I didn’t question it when he dug his fingers into the soil and began digging. He asked me to help and I did.

Once we had a big enough hole, he pulled something out from his pocket and laid it inside. I didn’t know what it was because it was wrapped in gauze and taped together.

“It’s so people remember us,” he explained after a few minutes. We cupped soil in our hands and packed it over the hole. Then we covered it with leaves and grass. “It’s so people know we were here.”

“Okay,” I said. I didn’t think people would know or care either way.

“We can go back and look at it one day,” he said. “When we’re older, you know?”

“Yeah,” I said, but I had no intention of it. I pressed my hand down over the dirt again. “Yeah, okay. We will.”

“Me and you, right?”

“Me and you,” I echoed. I wondered if he knew I didn’t mean it.

He looked at me and I looked back at him. I leaned over and pressed my lips to his, just like that couple we saw did. He blinked owlishly when I pulled away.

“I thought you said we weren’t like that?” he asked.

“We weren’t,” I said. “We’re not.”

“Okay,” he said, and he didn’t ask me anything else.

* * *

I waited for him by the fence. We usually came together, but he told me he’d met up with me later. That was a few hours ago. The sun had already set. The sky was dark and I couldn’t see much in front of me. I used my phone as a flashlight and began to walk to his house.

The lights were on. I climbed the steps and knocked on the door. No one answered. I frowned and tried again. There was still no answer.

Someone called for me. I turned and looked at the side of the house. On the other side of the hedges was a girl. She went to our school. I didn’t know she lived next door to him. She motioned for me to come to her.

I walked over and stopped in front of the hedges.

“You looking for him?” she asked. I nodded. “You’re outta luck.”

“Why?” I asked.

“He killed himself,” she said, and snapped a bubble with her gum. It popped loudly and I was unaffected by the sound. “Heard he popped a bunch of pills. My ma said he was real sad for a while.”

I didn’t think it was true. He never looked sad.

“I think you’re lying,” I told her. She raised an eyebrow.

“Oh yeah?” she said, her tone almost haughty. “Then go back and knock on that door. Hell, you can knock on there all night for all I care. No one’s gonna answer. They took him to the hospital.”

“I thought you said he was dead?”

“He is,” she said. “They went to get his stomach pumped but it was already too late. My ma works there. That’s how I know. She called and told me.”

I still didn’t believe her.

“Okay,” I said. “Okay, whatever.”

I stumbled away from the hedges and made my way back home. My body felt numb but I kept walking. The air was really humid and the ends of my hair were damp with sweat by the time I got home. My mom called out for me. I ignored her and went back to my room.

I took my phone out and called him. It rang for a while before it went to his voicemail. I hung up and tried again. I kept trying until I got tired and fell asleep. When I woke up, I called him again.

An electronic voice told me the number I dialed was out of service.

* * *

I didn’t go to the fence for a while. I didn’t want to, especially now that I knew that girl hadn’t been lying.

I went there today, though. I walked right up to it and got down on my knees so that I could dig up the dirt easier. I kept digging until I caught sight of a piece of white gauze. I lifted it up and uncovered it.

There was a locket in it. I opened it and saw a picture of us inside. We were smiling. We hadn't smiled in years. It looked strange to see such a happy expression on our faces. I stared at it until my vision got blurry all of a sudden.

I took the locket and clasped it around my neck. It was really cold. I folded the gauze up and shoved it into my pocket. I looked up at the fence. It seemed a lot bigger now.

I stood up and grabbed onto it, first with one hand, then with another. I pulled myself up and wedged the toe of my sneakers into one of the spaces. My arms were trembling but I kept pulling myself up. It seemed like longer I was up there, the weaker I felt. I was beginning to feel tired, but I pushed on. I made it to the top and looked down at the ground. It seemed like it was so far away.

I swung one leg over and made sure I had a good foothold before I put my other leg over the side. I hung there for a while until I just let myself drop. I landed hard on my shoulder, but I couldn’t really feel the pain.

I sat up after a few minutes and stared at the side of the fence I’d started on. It didn’t look any different, but this side of the fence felt…nice. The sun felt warmer here, and it was almost like the grass was greener. I stood up slowly and reached forward to brush my fingers against the grass. I took a deep breath to fill my lungs with as much air as possible.

I found myself wishing he was here. He had wanted to see this more than I ever had, and yet I was forced to be here alone. I missed him, and I wanted him to be here with me. It was supposed to be me and him, even if I hadn't wanted it to be at first. I closed my eyes because I could feel them getting wet again. When I opened them, I looked up at the sky.

It was pink, orange, and purple, and suddenly it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.


End file.
